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Facing Grief
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We all face numerous losses throughout our lives. It could be losing
a job, losing a home, or ending a relationship. When the loss is the
death of someone close to us, someone we care about -- a family member,
friend, neighbor, or colleague/coworker -- the loss can trigger a grieving
process that can affect our way of living, both at home and at work.
This section is here to help you better understand and cope when someone
close to you dies. This is also a guide on ways to balance your own
personal needs to heal and recover with the potential demands and expectations
of being at work.
The Grieving Process
Grief is a natural, normal response to loss. Although grieving the death
of someone is a normal reaction, at times grief can feel enormously
painful, overwhelming, and exhausting. Beginning to understand your
grieving experience, and taking gradual steps to address your pain and
loss, can be important and integral components of recovering from your
grief.
Stages of Grief
Within the first few weeks to months after a death, you may find yourself
riding on a roller coaster of shifting emotions. Most people go through
these stages not in linear steps, but in unpredictable waves-- moving
through one stage to the next and sometimes shifting back. Some people
will also experience certain phases but not others. Here are several
common, typical grief reactions:
- Shock/Disbelief
This is the numbing, disorienting sense that the death has not really
happened, not really occurred. This reaction can be intensified and
complicated if the death is sudden, violent, or unanticipated. Your
mind may be telling you "there must be some mistake," or
"this can't be true." These symptoms typically last from
several hours to several days.
- Anger
Your anger may be targeted at a number of sources. You
may feel waves of anger at the doctors who treated your loved one,
anger at your family members for not rallying together, anger at God
over what seems senseless or unjust, even anger at yourself or the
person who died and "left" you.
- Guilt
You may blame yourself for not doing more, not being there enough,
or not being there when the death happened. You may feel regret over
"unfinished business" -- conflicts you and the deceased
never resolved, or feelings between the two of you that were never
fully discussed or shared.
- Sadness
You may experience a deep sense of loss. There may be moments when
you find yourself at a loss for words, weeping, or bursting uncontrollably
into tears.
- Fear
There may be anxiety or panic, or fears about carrying on, fears
about the future. If the person who died was an adult (partner,
sibling, parent), it may bring up fears about your own sense of
mortality or sense of being left behind.
- Depression
You may go through periods of melancholy, or "blueness,"
where you feel inclined to withdraw or isolate yourself. You may lose
interest in your usual activities, or feel helpless or hopeless.
In addition to these stages, people who are grieving frequently experience
physical symptoms, such as fatigue, sleep disruption, appetite changes,
increased tension, and numerous aches and pains. Grief can also affect
you on a psychological level. Some of these common signs include feeling
distracted, forgetful, irritable, disoriented, or confused.
Tasks of Mourning
In healthy grieving, the tasks of mourning and completing one's grief
come in several stages. The first is to accept and fully experience
your loss, including feeling and expressing your pain and sorrow. Second,
is to let go of your attachment to your loved one and your accompanying
grief. Third, is to start to form new relationships or attachments in
your life. This third phase is where you feel you are moving through
your healing and recovery, and can start to develop new commitments
and ties to people and activities.
What You Need During Grief
Grieving the death of someone does not have a particular timetable.
Mourning your loss may take weeks, months, or even years. From many
individuals, the death of their loved one is carried with them throughout
their lives. Although there is no "cure" for grief, here are
several ways to help you cope with your loss, and begin to ease the
pain.
- Time
Take time alone and time with others whom you trust and who will listen
when you need to talk.
- Caring
Try to allow yourself to accept the expressions of caring from others
even though they may be awkward. Helping a friend or relative suffering
the same loss may bring a feeling of closeness with that person.
- Rest, Relaxation, Exercise, Diversion
You may need to give yourself extra amounts of things that nourish
and replenish you. Hot baths, afternoon naps, a short trip, a project
helping others -- any of these may give you a lift. Grief can be an
emotionally and physically exhausting process.
- Goals
For a while, it will seem that much of life is without meaning. At
times like these, small goals are helpful. Something to look forward
to -- like lunch with a friend that day, a movie the next week, a
trip next month -- helps you get through the time in the immediate
future. Sometimes living moment by moment, or one day at a time, is
the rule of thumb.
- Security
Try to reduce or find help for financial and other stresses in your
life. Allow yourself to be close and open up to those you trust. Developing
or getting back into a routine helps. Focus on doing things at your
own pace.
- Permission to Backslide
Sometimes after a period of feeling better, you find yourself back
in the old feelings of extreme sadness, despair, or anger. This is
the nature of grief -- one moment you're up, and next, you're down.
Sometimes when you backslide, you are simply remembering, re-experiencing
the trauma or enormity of your loss which starts to flood back and
overwhelm you.
- Hope
You may find hope and comfort from those who have experienced a similar
loss. Knowing what helped them, and realizing that over time they
have recovered, may give you the hope and strength to envision that
you, too, will eventually heal from your grief.
- Small Pleasures
Do not underestimate the healing power of small pleasures. Sunsets,
massage, a walk near the ocean, a favorite food -- all are small steps
toward giving to yourself and regaining your pleasure in life itself.
- Be aware of drug and alcohol use.
The use of drugs, alcohol, and even prescription medications may prolong
and delay the necessary process of grieving. You cannot prevent or
cure grief. The only way out is through the grief process.
- Permission to change your mind.
Grieving can shake you up inside. You may have difficulty concentrating,
or find yourself constantly reevaluating your priorities. You may
be unsure or uncertain what you want in numerous aspects of your life.
When you make commitments or plans, be sure to let people know you
may need room to cancel or change your mind.
- Be prepared around holidays and anniversaries.
For many people, holidays, birthdays, or the anniversary of their
loved one's death can bring up painful memories or revive feelings
of longing and sadness over their loss -- even for those who believe
they have "finished" their grieving and moved on. This "anniversary"
reaction is a common part of the grieving process, but you may be
still be surprised by the flood of emotions that may be reactivated
during this period. You might want to be especially aware and gentle
with yourself around this time. You may also want to allow more private
time for yourself, or arrange to spend more time around family and
others close to you.
In many instances, people can move through their grief on their own,
or with their existing supports and resources. However, sometimes you
need outside help or assistance to keep yourself from "going under,"
or getting "perpetually stuck" in your grief. These conditions
can happen especially if you are experiencing multiple stressors, or
coping with cumulative grief. These warning signs include continuing
bouts of depression, social withdrawal and isolation, suicidal thoughts,
or continuing feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and despair.
Related Services at the Tang Center
For further assistance re: grief resources, contact CARE Services
for Faculty and Staff, the campus faculty and staff assistance program,
at (510) 643-7754. CARE offers free, confidential, problem assessment
and referral to community bereavement programs and services.
Back to Care Services home page >
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