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What You Can Do For A Grieving Person
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It can be challenging to support someone who is grieving. Grieving
takes time, and the bereaved's needs may change frequently. It is important
that you recognize your own needs and limits: being clear about what
you can and can't do will help you sustain your support over the months.
Tips for Helping a Person in Grief:
- Be Present
Often, just having someone near can be a tremendous help. Ask
if it would be helpful to have you around, and make it clear that
you do not need to be entertained. If you can not be physically present,
calls and notes will convey your support.
- Provide Practical Assistance
Offer to make calls, or to screen phone calls and take messages. Bring
food or extend an invitation to dinner at your home. Help with everyday
chores, such as grocery shopping, laundry, and housework. Take care
of the garden, feed the pets, or wash the car. Spend time with the
children, baby-sit, or act as chauffeur. Offer to accompany the survivor
when he or she needs to out in public.
- Be a Good Listener
Offer comfort and consultation by being there to listen to the survivor
talk over what has occurred, or reminisce about the loved one. Listen
to the survivor express feelings: anger, guilt, remorse, yearning.
Allowing the expression of deep-felt emotions is a great gift.
- Accept the Survivor's Feelings, Concerns, Actions
Let the survivor know that s/he doesn't have to worry about shocking
or embarrassing you, or causing you to withdraw. Tell the survivor
that anything s/he is feeling is acceptable -- that crying is natural
and normal, as is anger and guilt, or not wanting to talk at all.
Ask the survivor regularly, "How are you doing?" or "How
are you feeling?" and express your interest in hearing what
s/he has to say. Make sure to ask these questions in a safe and
private environment.
- Be Patient
Keep in mind that it takes months, even years of time for someone
who is suffering to accept his or her loss and to deal with the changes
it has caused. Be patient with the survivor's changing feelings, moods,
and availability.
- Keep Doors of Communication Open
Telephone, visit, and send cards. But also give him or her permission
to say no to your call or visit without feeling that s/he is risking
your friendship.
- Remember the Deceased
Join the survivor in the telling of recollections, sharing your own
anecdotes as well. Validate the person who died, and talk about how
s/he touched and enriched the lives of other people. Acknowledge birthdays,
anniversaries, and holidays. Let the survivor know that you haven't
forgotten her/his loved one.
- Provide Social Support
In time, give the survivor unpressured opportunities to reenter daily
life, understanding that many of your offers will be refused. When
the opportunity arises, mention activities the survivor has enjoyed.
Invite her or him to accompany you on an outing, but accept and respect
a negative response. Continue to share your life with the bereaved.
- Offer Reassurance
After the initial shock has passed, you can help him or her recognize
that the pain eventually will lessen. You can do this by sharing your
feelings and talking about any similar experiences you've had, but
without assuming "I know how you feel."
Related Services at the Tang Center
For further assistance re: grief resources, contact CARE Services
for Faculty and Staff, the campus faculty and staff assistance program,
at (510) 643-7754. CARE offers free, confidential, problem assessment
and referral to community bereavement programs and services
Back to Care Services home page >
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