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Understanding Anger
Contents:
Anger is the emotional response that we have to an external or internal
event perceived as a threat, a violation or an injustice. It has been
widely theorized that anger is an adaptive response and is a version
of the fight or flight response, which in turn is believed to have evolutionary
usefulness in protecting us from danger.
THE EMOTIONAL RESPONSE CYCLE
Emotions are triggered by internal (thoughts, feelings, physiological
states) or external events. Such events are immediately interpreted
by our thoughts (often not conscious). That interpretation then gives
rise to internal neurochemical reactions. At that point we experience
the emotion and we react to it either internally with more thoughts
or emotions and/or externally through behavior and actions. Biological
differences also mediate the reactivity to emotional triggers as well
as the experience and resolution of the emotion.
THE EXPERIENCE OF ANGER
The experience of anger is learned and varies from person to person.
For example, someone may cry when they feel angry, while someone else
may yell, while still someone else may become withdrawn, to name just
a few of the ways in which anger manifests.
We usually learn how to experience and deal with anger in our families
of origin. There may be families where emotions are constantly expressed
regardless of the consequences, while others may not be able to tolerate
any show of emotion. Also, often within families some members are allowed
the expression of certain emotions, while others are not. Our biological
predispositions in conjunction with the experiences we were exposed
to during our crucial developmental stages establish the parameters
of our emotional experience and expression, including anger.
However, all experiences of anger have the following elements in common:
- We experience what's happening as UNFAIR
- We feel HELPLESS in the moment (threatened, vulnerable, exposed/shamed,
victimized, violated, inadequate or unable to meet important needs)
- We PERSONALIZE the experience ("it's being done to me"
/ "it's happening to me")
We all feel angry at times. Anger is part of the normal human experience.
However, if we handle and express this anger inappropriately we can
do harm to ourselves and/or others. Anger by itself is not destructive
but how we try to cope with it can be.
ANGER STYLES
There are four basic ways in which people respond to anger:
- AGGRESSIVE (anger is externalized, "turned loose").
- PASSIVE (anger is internalized, "locked up").
- PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE (outwardly agreeable, but showing the anger through
indirect actions or sabotage).
- ASSERTIVE (anger is appropriately managed and communicated if necessary).
Some people have mostly a particular anger style, but it is not uncommon
for people to shift their response to anger depending on the setting
and circumstances. Often people who express their anger in passive or
passive/aggressive ways are in situations where the overt expression
of anger might have harmful consequences.
SKILLFUL HANDLING OF ANGER
Neglecting our anger can be very harmful. Unresolved anger is damaging
to our bodies, our interpersonal relationships and our own psychological
well-being, because unresolved anger can leave us in a state of perpetual
emotional arousal, or make us feel chronically helpless and hopeless.
Acting out anger inappropriately is not attending to it and neither
is turning it inward. In the short run, acting our anger out in destructive
or inappropriate ways may give us the illusion of resolution by not
having to tolerate such a difficult and daunting emotion. But if we
make a habit of acting out we put ourselves at the mercy of our anger,
letting it control us and our lives.
- Guidelines to Effective Anger Management:
- Don't make it worst by rash behavior (words or actions).
- Respond rather than react whenever possible. This means that
you may have to take a step back and slow down. When we are in
the grip of anger our judgment is clouded and our perceptions
are distorted. Anything that decreases reactivity and helps gain
an accurate perspective of a situation empowers us. Any calming
activity, such as deep breathing, will center us and make us better
decision makers.
- Tools to Increase Our Resilience to Anger
It is helpful to think of anger management as a tool kit with different
tools to be selected to deal with different situations. The same
way that we would use a hammer for a nail to hang a picture on the
wall and not a wrench, and conversely a wrench for opening a pipe
rather than a hammer, we need to pick and choose our anger tools
to fit the situation at hand. The first step in developing this
skill is by acquiring as many tools as possible. This often requires
our stepping outside of our comfort zone and practicing new behaviors
and new ways of thinking. The second step is choosing the most effective
tool in our kit for a particular situation or challenge. And remember,
not all tools work for everybody or all of the time.
- The following are some helpful tools:
- Effective stress reduction and stress management
- Focusing on the areas in which one has control
- Standing up for oneself in a firm, but respectful way
- Setting appropriate limits and boundaries
- Knowing when to let go
- Confront when appropriate and safe
- Avoid when appropriate
- Humor
- Physical Exercise
- Increasing life mastery and satisfaction
- Building on one's strengths to address life challenges
- Realistic expectations of ourselves and others
- Emotional and psychological healing
- Exploring different perspectives as opposed to "tunnel
vision" or rigid thinking
- Not personalizing situations and adopting a problem-solving
stance instead
DISPLACED ANGER
In some instances, chronic anger covers over other emotions that are
less tolerable to a particular individual such as fear, sadness, helplessness,
despair. Conversely, when the experience of anger doesn't feel tolerable
it may be covered over by other more tolerable emotions or mind states
such as chronic fatigue, rationalization, blame, cynicism, sadness,
or helplessness.
Anger may also be an expression of other psychological conditions such
as depression (especially in men), or unresolved trauma. It may also
be the result of other physiological conditions like substance abuse
or injury to the brain.
MYTHS ABOUT ANGER
- Ignore it and it will go away - Reality: If we have a feeling that
persists and we deny it, it will manifest in other indirect, usually
more harmful ways.
- Time heals all wounds - Reality: Unless emotions are resolved they
will fester.
- Let it out and you'll feel better - Reality: Reactive expression
of anger may provide a momentary subjective sense of relief, yet habitual
blowing up harms one's physical health. In addition, habitual blowing
up builds and reinforces neurological paths that make it harder to
remain calm. And last but not least, relationships you want in your
life such as your job, the connection with your spouse or partner,
your friends, children, etc., may be destroyed by persistent displays
of anger.
- If I'm not angry others will walk all over me - Reality: Anger frequently
gets results in the short time, and therefore is an easy habit to
develop. However, in the long term, it pushes people away and makes
one lose credibility.
- I can't help it, I'm angry person Reality: This attitude confuses
feeling and acting, leaving you at the mercy of ever fluctuating emotions.
- It's other people and situations that make me angry - Reality: Not
everybody gets angry at the same things. We make ourselves angry by
the way in which we interpret events. Also, if we choose this stance,
we allow circumstances outside of ourselves to control our peace of
mind.
RELATED SERVICES AT THE TANG CENTER
For further assistance with issues around anger, contact CARE services
at (510) 643-7754.
Back to CARE Services home page >
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